Deadpool, at the movies!
by bouncingcrow
Summary: This is what happens when I'm alone with a bottle of vodka for a weekend. This is Deadpool, as you've never seen him: critiquing Marvel films! Starts with the Avengers and not likely to be updated frequently. But I could surprise myself.


Deadpool, at the movies! - The Avengers

So, I gotta be honest, I'm not sure about what happens at the beginning of this movie. There was an explosion, for sure, and then that hot piece, Natasha Romanoff, is fighting in a slinky black number.

Let me tell you what's great about that scene: Natasha Romanoff fights three men in a slinky black number. When she drops the chair on the guy's toe, you can see here _boobies bounce_. Also, she does that totally cool move where she wraps her thighs around the guy's neck...she is welcome to wrap those handsome legs around this neck anytime, and don't she know it.

I don't know who did the costumes for this movie, but I think they deserve an Oscar. And then a standing ovation at the Oscars. I mean, it hugs all the right curves in all the right places. The black dress, I mean.

You know, I think she had a thing with that Hawkeye guy once-upon-a-time, but this is what fans are calling "the movieverse," so she might have a thing with him now. And if so, good for him.

Some of you might me be thinking "wait, Wade, didn't you once fall for the Black Widow, when you were running around with the Thunderbolts?" And to those of you asking that, I have only this to say: _have you no soul? Besides, she was a blonde._ Would you ask Romeo about Juliet after she...what happened to her, again? I have no hard feelings toward Barton, really.

-What about that dart board with Renner's face on it?-

_Shut up. Stupid yellow box. _Where was I?

Oh, yeah! So she's wearing this slinky black dress, and she gets a phone call. And then, uh...well, now Thor is fighting Iron Man in the _woods_! Somewhere...wait. I thought they were both on the Avengers?

Is there an opening in the Avengers?! Where do I sign up?

Hey, Captain America, two words: Wade. Wilson. Think about it.

The X-Men are overrated, really, and Cable's new X-Force looks like a freakin' joke. I mean, come on, _Colossus? _Really?

So Thor and Iron Man are fighting. Still. I got distracted for a minute, and now Captain America is in on the fighting. Where's Loki during all of this? Did he seriously just sit around, waiting for them to finish fighting? Man...I wish it were that easy. Usually he just walks out...like when I was just a little 'Pool. _Sniff_. No wonder I turned out like this – look at who my dad is!

-Wasn't he lying about that?-

Just like every other father figure I've ever had. At least I got a hat out of it.

You know what the real problem with the Avengers is? It's a real sausage fest. Two women, and only one of them has big...presence.

Uh oh. They're talking science, now. _Blah, blah, blah, ions, blah, blah, blah, who's the hot chick_?

Why is that everyone else gets to wear clothes, but Cap has to wear his...Captain gear? Is he disfigured from the neck down?

I guess Thor dresses kind of weird, too, but that's not his fault. How is he supposed to know the style of the day? He's from Asgard.

-Asgard was rebuilt in Oklahoma.-

What?! Quick! I need some coffee, so I can spit it out in surprise. _Pshhhhhhhh!_Oklahoma? What kind of cruel punishment is that?

Shut up! The lovely lady is back on the screen. Too bad she's not in the dress anymore. Nice ass shot, though. Uhhhhhhhhhm. What?

-She's kind of a badass. She could probably kill you.-

Yeah...isn't it great? Have you seen some of the great scenes between us?

Oh-ho! Burn, Loki! The hottie wins again...not that I'm surprised. Is it just me, or did she get even hotter just then? And...why do they switch back to the sausage room, now? I see what Loki's doing here.

You know, Renner is kind of a dream boat; I think he makes a good Barton. And wow! Did you see that shot that he made? Impossibly cutting off an engine on the...floating...fortress...thing? Skill.

HULK SMASH PRETTY LADY! I would totally save her. And then hold her close for a while to make sure she wasn't scared anymore. Did you see that dress she was wearing earlier? The slinky black number?

Why is Thor just sitting there, with his arm ou- oh! Here comes the hammer! Take that, Hulk! Thor smash!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Did you see Hulk grab that guy in the ejected seat and throw him? Classic!

Captain America has pretty shitty aim for a super soldier. And Barton has an amazing set of arrows. Kind of convenient, really.

Now...why did they have to kill Coulson? Will they retcon the movies, too? He can't be dead! Why is he dead?! Coulson! _Coulson, no!_ Joss Whedon, you sonofabitch!

Oh, he makes up for it, though, with the deliciously physical and not-at-all sexual fight between Black Widow and Hawkeye. Oh, wait, I lied. It's totally sexual. In a...they don't take off their clothes and do it but you know they want to kind of way.

And then Coulson saves the day! Take that, Loki! Wait...but...Loki just got on a plane? How did he _do_ that? Is he magical or something?

-He's the Norse god, Loki. We've been over this.-

So...he _is_ magical?

Ack! Gross...Hulk, er, Banner is naked. I bet he scared those pigeons. And what is with this old guy who is completely okay with a naked monster falling on his house?

I think I'd level out pretty quick if a curvy red-head was standing over me, calling me by my first name and smiling little cute smiles at me. Maybe not my pants, though. Yeah, you can see it in his eyes – he's thinking the same thing. Man, I ship them so hard.

-You are such a fangirl.-

Oh, please.

Preach it, Stark. Avengers...and, and Earth. And drinking. And erectile dysfunction.

_Finally!_ Here comes the exciting conclusion! The epic battle! The great one-liners, I'm sure! The...giant...sea monster? Black Widow jumping – that's my girl. Hulk...smashing.

You know, I've had Shawarma; it's...kinda gross. But then, I'm a meat and veggie wrap kind of guy.

-Shawarma is smoked meat, served kind of like a gyro.-

_Really?!_ That sounds delicious!

For my final thoughts: The Avengers was a great team-up film with a really great cast – Scarlett Johansson...and all of those guys. There was some great action, some great low-cut costumes, and it was even exciting at times. I think, really, the only thing missing was more...me. But Marvel still things that I'd be a hard sell on the big screen. All I'm saying is, if they're going to make a Guardians of the Galaxy movie, then, seriously...it's just a matter of time.

'Pool out.


End file.
